Have you seen the cartoon? You should check out the cartoon. It is in the post below this one. I’m taking off until Tuesday, so you will have plenty of time to check it out. Have a great labor day everybody.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Fat Robot Omnimedia, in affiliation with brainpanonline.com, and sltmonkees.com, are proud to present to you Episode 1 of the new cartoon, Steve Jiff’s Morning Shenanigans.

Two versions are offered. This first is smaller and viewable below, the second is much bigger, and only available for download (It also requires that you have the XVID codec installed on your computer. Find it here. Enjoy.

 

 (Small) Steve Jiff's Morning Shenanigans Ep1 [8:12m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download
 (Large) Steve Jiff's Morning Shenanigans Ep1 (Requires xvid Codec) [8:12m]: Download

Can someone make me a list of people who HAVEN’T resigned from the Bush administration in disgrace? Might be a handy document for historians to have in 15 or 20 years when the epic tale of the Bush White House is set down in the history books.

In case you hadn’t heard, and if you follow political news at all it would be hard to have missed it, Alberto Gonzales resigned today as Attorney General of the Untied States. While almost his entire tenure as Attorney General has been captured by CSPAN cameras while he testified to the Senate about his various misdeeds, at some point he actually spent some time PERFORMING those misdeeds, namely, firing a bunch of US attorneys for no other reason than that they were not loyal enough to the Bush administration, and would not freely do his bidding. No room for those with conscience in the this horde of petty thugs I suppose. I would be happy, but if I’ve learned anything over the past 6+ years, it’s that they only replace bad with worse. Next up? David Duke for Attorney General.

I have a theory. I don’t think it matters what your game is about, as long as it’s fun. Unemployed plumber takes acid in the sewer? No problem. Hand me a controller.

Here is the premise of this game, and I think it proves my point:

You strategically pile grenades underneath a jeep so that when you detonate them the jeep will fly into the air and hit the weird tick thing that’s floating there. Give it a try. It’s pretty fun.

PLAY WARTHOG LAUNCH

I cannot believe this story, from the New York Times:

LOS ANGELES, Aug. 21 — The producers of a CBS reality show featuring 40 children living on their own in the New Mexico desert were warned by the state attorney general’s office while the show was being taped last spring that they might be violating the state’s child-labor laws, according to interviews with state officials and documents obtained Tuesday under the state’s open records act.

The show, “Kid Nation,” which is scheduled to premiere on CBS on Sept. 19, is a reality show whose premise is to take 40 children, ages 8 to 15, and place them in a “ghost town” in New Mexico to see if they can build a working society without the help of adults.

But after the production ended in mid-May, the parent of one child in the production complained to state officials that the children’s treatment bordered on abuse. Four children received medical treatment for accidentally drinking bleach, one child was burned on her face with hot grease while cooking in an unsupervised kitchen, and most of the children were required to work 14 hours or longer per day. They received a payment of $5,000 for their participation.

In interviews last week, CBS contended the children were not employees because they were not performing specific work for specific wages.

Well I’m no Business MBA, but it sounds like the children we paid 5,000 dollars to be on a reality show. That seems like pretty specific work, and 5,000 dollars isn’t much, but is, in fact, payment.

Anyway, that’s bullshit. Children that work in television have all sorts of rules that they have to follow. They have to get tutors, and can only work a certain number of hours a day, and are included in all sorts of other protections to keep them from being exploited, at least in a child labor context.

Can you believe this show? Hot grease? FOUR CHILDREN DRANK BLEACH? Alright. I can see one kid getting into the bleach, very quickly, when a PA’s back was turned. Kids are fast like that. BUT HOW BOUT WE PUT THE BLEACH ON A HIGH SHELF AFTER THAT! You know, just so the five year old’s throat doesn’t get eaten out by corrosive cleaning chemicals. Good lord.

And you should read the rest of the article. It’s all about how the state tries to visit the set, gets turned away, and then has to play legal volleyball with the production company over just what laws apply to the situation, and who has what rights, and who knew what when. By the time it all got sorted out, the show had wrapped and CBS was gone.

So yeah. Let’s not watch Kid Nation. We can’t encourage this kind of thing. Not unless we want to see a light hearted reality show one day about a group of children who work 14 hours a day in a meat processing plant.

This place is cool. It’s called Deezer, and it’s basically a website that allows you to stream music, legally, for free. Their tag line is, “Music on demand”, and that’s pretty much the way that it works. They have a huge catalog of music, mp3 quality, and is worth checking out.

ONWARD TO DEEZER

In a move guaranteed to take the last remaining scrap of compelling spontaneity out of the Emmys, Ryan Seacrest has been named the host of this year’s telecast.

Let me be clear: I love award shows. I don’t know why. Something about half drunk celebrities congratulating themselves is appealing to me. All the pretending they don’t care if they win, then giving humble rambling speeches if they do, or even better, trying to mask their rage and bitterness under a well honed casually supportive smile if they don’t. Great stuff. Once, at around 11:30 one Saturday night, I watched something called the Prism Awards. What are the Prism Awards you ask? Here is the description from their website:

The Entertainment Industries Council, Inc. (EIC) annually presents the PRISM Awards for outstanding accomplishments in the accurate depiction of drug, alcohol and tobacco use and addiction in film, television, interactive, comic books, music, and video entertainment.

That’s right. It’s an awards show honoring those overly earnest, “Very special episodes” that focus on substance abuse. That episode of Dawson’s Creek where Jen starts drinking again and Dawson has to bring her home from the party before she screws two guys? Probably won a Prism. The episode of Family Ties where Tom Hanks tears through the Keaton’s cupboards at two in the morning looking for any liquor he can find, settling finally on a jar of Maraschino Cherries? Big time Prism. I clearly remember Sarah Jessica Parker winning a Prism for an episode of Sex and the City where her character tries to stop smoking. Her acceptance speech was pretaped, and she talked about how difficult it is to stop smoking, and how “Carrie hadn’t gotten there yet, but she was trying.” If my memory serves Carrie smokes right through the end of the series. If that’s true, do they take Sarah Jessica Parker’s Prism away? If they did would she notice?

Anyway, that’s what a sucker I am for award shows. Or was. Lately, I just can’t seem to gear up the enthusiasm. It used to be that on these things anything could happen. Some rock band might drop an F bomb during the Grammys. A respected actor might have had too much to drink and stumble incoherently through his acceptance speech (Yes, you, Tim Robbins). Jack Nicholson might take his sunglasses off. Now everything is so tightly scripted that there is very little life left. Such random occurrences are banished to the preshow red carpet massacre. The best one I have ever, EVER, seen was at the Oscar’s a few years ago. Billy Bush, the large headed, mildly horrible host of Access Hollywood interviewing Keisha Castle-Hughes during the preshow red carpet thing. She was up for an Oscar due to her work in the movie Whale Rider, which was quite and accomplishment at the age of fourteen. At fourteen I was still knee deep in Star Wars action figures and watching “Back to the Future” over and over again. Keisha looked a little overwhelmed to be where she was, and even more startled to be talking to Billy Bush, who is about as comforting as a colonic. He asks her a few standard questions, and she gives the typical answers, “Are you excited,” “Yes it’s all very thrilling,” when out of the blue, he asks her if she has a crush on any famous actors. She blushes a little bit and says, yes, she is partial to Johnny Depp. Billy Bush, and I’m still not sure how he did this, sort of spins around, and PRODUCES JOHNNY DEPP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE.

Stop and picture this. The girl is FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. She is being interviewed on national television by the most insincere and insensitive person imaginable, on probably the biggest and most mind crushingly intense day of her life, and has now been thrust into a very public, very embarrassing conversation with the object of her fourteen year old girl crush, namely one Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp had no idea what to say. Billy Bush is staring at them, threatening them with his microphone, and everyone just stood there silently for about fifteen seconds. Johnny Depp mumbled something friendly about liking her work, and she said thank you, and sort of just stared back at him in total shock and disbelief. Then Johnny Depp wandered out of frame, leaving the girl utterly speechless. It was about two minutes before the show so Billy Bush had to basically end the preshow on that note. It was the most awkward thing I have ever seen. I can not describe how weird that moment was. THAT is the reason I love award shows. It is also the reason I hate Billy Bush.

But now, when I watch the Grammys or the Emmys everything seems so planned. Mapped out. It’s like in the interests of time, they removed all the fun spontaneous little moments, leaving all the 20 minute long today-we-honor-an-old-white-guy-and-play-a-super-long-montage tributes intact. Ryan Seacrest will not help. He is an uninteresting host, for an increasingly uninteresting show. The Emmys have become especially hard to watch in the era of “HBO’s programming wins everything” and are now my least favorite offering. Why does HBO get to compete anyway? It doesn’t seem fair. I thought cable had its own Emmy awards. They get an unfair advantage.

First off, since they don’t have commercials, an HBO program is about seven minutes longer. Secondly, THEY CAN SWEAR. They can be as profane and sexual and edgy as they want due the different decency rules that apply to broadcast networks. It would be like if some NASCAR drivers got to have jet engines in their cars, while others couldn’t. Plus, I DON’T HAVE HBO. It’s a premium channel. So not only do they win everything, I have no idea who any of them are. It’s not fair, and it makes the Emmys boring and hard to watch.

It’s a disappointing trend. Maybe I’ll skip it this year. I would, but I know the moment I do Eva Longoria will throw up on the podium, or Matt LeBlanc will storm the stage and demand Joey be given an Emmy. That would rule.

Today I would like to relay to you the details of a heinous act, perpetrated by our government, on one of our greatest national treasures. I refer of course to Steven Seagal. From WENN (IMBB)

Seagal Seeks FBI Apology for Derailing His Career

Actor Steven Seagal is seeking an apology from the Federal Bureau Of Investigation, for allegedly harming his career by implicating he hired a private detective to intimidate journalists from writing unflattering stories about him. The 56-year-old has made 12 movies since 2001’s Exit Wounds - all have been released directly onto DVD, bypassing cinemas, and Seagal is convinced the leaked release of an October 2002 FBI affidavit linking him to the mob is responsible for his decline in popularity. The affidavit detailed how Seagal hired private eye Anthony Pellicano to threaten reporters, before the investigation focused entirely on Pellicano, who is now in prison awaiting a trial on charges including wire-tapping, But Seagal has never been publicly cleared by the FBI, and the actor wants this done so his reputation is immediately restored, reports the Los Angeles Times. Seagal recently said, “False FBI accusations fuelled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia. These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers - and kill careers.” He added, “I was sick of hearing my name associated with a crime the government knew I had nothing to do with. Until it happens to you, you can’t imagine what it does to your life.”

Right. The government is the reason Steven Seagal can’t get work. This claim operates on the premise that the FBI destroyed Steven Seagal’s reputation. His reputation, pristine up till then, was sullied by an uncaring government bureaucracy, unfairly tarnishing Steven Seagal’s good name, and ruining an otherwise booming career in motion pictures.

Let’s take a look at that.

The investigation was leaked in 2002. Steven Seagal was all washed up by then. His movies had started to go straight to video, starting with 1997’s “The Patriot” and the features actually being released in the theaters, including pretty much everything after Under Siege, were either underperforming or were outright failures. Hollywood has no morals. They would cast Robert Blake in a buddy cop movie with OJ Simpson if they thought they could make a hundred million dollars on opening weekend. A few unsubstantiated rumors about being associated with he mob certainly wouldn’t stop them. Didn’t stop Frank Sinatra. If Steven Seagal’s movies made money there would still be Steven Seagal movies. Period. So I think we can dismiss the career-damage argument.

But what of Steven’s reputation?

Yeah.

Steven Seagal is a dick.

His best known example of dickery evolved his stint as host of Saturday night live. He was so abusive to cast and crew during his week on the show that he has been banned from ever returning. They even made a joke about it a couple years later during a show hosted by Nicolas cage. From Wikipedia:

Nicolas spoke with Lorne backstage, saying, “…they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!” to which Lorne replied, “No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.”

He is a well known prick. Don’t believe me? READ THIS ARTICLE. Among the fun facts revealed there are that he often carries around a loaded pistol, was a bigamist for a while, and likes to pretend that he was in the CIA. A real charmer.

So my question is this: What was there to defame exactly? What career was there to be ruined? WHO HAD EVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS FBI MOB CRAP BEFORE A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO!!!?!?!

This brings be to a nice Steven Seagal quote:

“You can take away the money and the fame. I don’t look at myself as any of those things.”

Well, society decided that Steven Seagal was a lame bullying jerkoff who made bad movies, and therefore took away his money and fame, and now he wants to cry about it. The FBI, for once, is not to blame. Only the prick with the slicked back hair.

This is another “Locked Room” games, wherein the object is figure out how to get out of a room using the clues and objects hidden in it. I love games like this, and Sphere reminds me why that is.

Play Sphere

This is sad:

Violent Femmes embroiled in lawsuit

NEW YORK (AP) — Fresh off their latest tour, 1980s folk-punk favorites the Violent Femmes are headed for a surprise gig in federal court.

Bassist Brian Ritchie sued lead vocalist Gordon Gano on Wednesday, saying he was deprived of credit for some of the group’s songs and a proper accounting of its earnings.

The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Manhattan, also accuses Gano of trashing the band’s reputation by allowing its signature hit, “Blister in the Sun,” to be used in a Wendy’s commercial.

Gano, reached by telephone at his Manhattan home, called the lawsuit “a complete surprise” — especially since the band still regularly performs and just returned from a tour in South Africa.

“We just played a really, really good tour,” he said. “Since the early ’80s, everything’s really good. We’re playing better than ever.”

In the suit, Ritchie claims he founded the band in 1980, taking on drummer Victor DeLorenzo that year and Gano in 1981.

After releasing a self-titled debut album, “Violent Femmes,” in 1983, the band gained fame with hits including “Blister in the Sun,” “Add It Up” and “Special.” It recorded at least 10 albums and toured the world at least a dozen times, the lawsuit said.

“This action is the unfortunate culmination of an ongoing intra-band dispute between Ritchie and Gano over Gano’s misappropriation and misadministration of Ritchie’s interests in the jointly owned songs and assets of the band, misappropriation of assets solely owned by Ritchie, improper accounting and nonpayment of royalties,” the lawsuit said.

The Wendy’s deal was a buzz-kill for the band’s fan base, the suit says, causing one fan to comment in an online blog that after hearing “Blister in the Sun” in a commercial, “My ears perked up. Then my jaw dropped. Then my heart sank.”

The suit seeks a ruling declaring Ritchie half owner of the band’s songs and an accounting of past and future royalties and unspecified damages.

Gano declined to respond to the claims in detail, except to say he wrote the band’s songs with one or two exceptions.

I don’t really care about the commercial. Whatever. Get paid. They deserve it. I do find it distressing to watch a band sue itself to death. I saw them at Lollapalooza a couple years ago, and they stole the show. It sucks that things have fallen apart for them, especially since they’ve been together for over twenty-five years. I guess these things happen.