Long running comic Archie turns 65 this year, making Archie officially old enough to retire. From Comic World News:

Archie Digest # 236 offers look into the past

Archie Comics #1 changed the course of Comic Book publishing. Archie Andrews debuted in Pep Comics #22 and was an instant success. The following year Archie was given his own title with Archie Comics #1 and history was made. Archie Comics has been continuously published for 65 years and it is the only humorous comic book that can make that claim.

As a special treat for our fans. Archie Publishing is reprinting every story in Archie Comics #1, as well as the very first Archie story ever, from Pep Comics #22 and delivering a brand new story featuring Archie as he was in 1942 in a trip down memory lane as Archie of today runs into Archie of yesteryear. All of this is contained in ARCHIE DIGEST #236 at our regular digest price of $2.49. It is an outstanding price for a chance to relive comic book history.

See the first appearance of Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica as they were 65 years ago. In addition to the new and classic stories featuring Archie there are stories with Chubby the Bear, Bumbie the Bee-tective, Squoimy the Woim, and Judge Owl’s Fables. Stories that most fans have never seen.

Alright. See. I am a comic book fan, and like some of my peers, I have no idea what to make of Archie. It is, as the above press release makes clear, one of the longest running continuous comic series in history. There are only a handful of comics that have been around that long. It is wildly common. For example, you can find it in almost any grocery store, though I’m not sure anyone actually ever buys it.

I don’t get it. It isn’t funny, and while all other comics have changed in tone, modernized, deepened, changed to reflect the sensibility of the time, Archie has remained exactly the same, like some mosquito frozen in amber since it debuted in 1941. I don’t mean to suggest that it should become gritty and dark and hyper realistic (though that might be cool), but its comedy hasn’t progressed or evolved or updated at all. Even comics strips evolve a little. If it doesn’t change, if its appeal is its sameness, then why do we need NEW Archie?

Archie isn’t really collected either, at least by the vast majority of people who consider themselves comic collectors. So what, exactly, are we celebrating 65 years of? Mediocre comedy no one gives a crap about?

But some people do care. It does sell. People do buy it. Someone, somewhere, must be excited about the anniversary. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I’M MISSING!

I bought one, about a year ago, just to see what it was like. I was amused by its old school sensibility, sort of like TV from the fifties, and could consider myself amused for as much as three whole minutes before I started to get bored. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe the only people who buy Archie comics are people who are trying to figure out why they still sell Archie comics. If you are reading this and you can shed some light, or if you are, in fact, an Archie fan, please do me the service of helping me to understand why. I’m not trying to be snarky or sarcastic. I really want to know. Why Archie?