Who Knew cracked.com was so funny? I didn’t. Truly surprised.

See, in the dark days before the internet, Cracked used exist as a humor magazine. It wasn’t ever a particularly funny humor magazine, and was really little more than a lame Mad Magazine imitator. When people left Mad for whatever reasons, (Money. Always.), they sometimes wound up working for Cracked. I got one every now and then, if a had a couple of dollars and the new Mad wasn’t out yet. It had its moments, but was nothing to get too excited about. They were Go-Bots to the Transformers, The Monkees to the Beatles, Aerosmith from Now to Aerosmith from the 1970’s. (Though to be fair some people SWEAR that Cracked was funnier than Mad. I didn’t read enough of it to know, but from what I’ve seen that’s hard to believe.)

That worked well enough for years and years, until it didn’t. It’s fine to rip off Mad back when Mad MEANT something, but once people stop caring about the original, the imitator is in bad trouble. Times became lean. Cracked, in an effort to rip off a more popular magazine, and after a harrowing series of events that is described quite well in the Wikipedia article I cribbed all this from, tried to relaunch as a Maxim-style rag that focused on Comedy. It was apparently as bad as it sounds, because after a rip roaring three issues, the Magazine folded. The relaunch lasted just long enough to spawn a website, which no one anywhere cared about. One more website hung around the neck of one more failed enterprise.

But not long ago I noticed that all these funny little articles kept popping up everywhere. The Top 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists, 8 Important Lessons Learned from ’80s Cartoons, The 5 Most Obviously Drug-Fueled TV Appearances Ever. The source? CRACKED.COM.

I know. I was surprised too. I hadn’t thought about Cracked in YEARS. My opinion of them had been that they were the Mad you got when you couldn’t get Mad, and then at some point I stopped being fourteen and forgot all about them.

So I went to the website, checked it out, and am here to report that I am, in fact, impressed. That website is so funny. They put so much work into it. It is unbelievably extensive. Ever been to madmagazine.com? Yeah. Nothing funny there. Just info about what’s in the current issue, subscription info, etc. BORING. Cracked.com? New content just about every day, most of it funny, plus wildly extensive archives and about two billion other features. Finally, after years and years of being overshadowed by Mad, Cracked has come out on top. When is the last time you read an issue of Mad? A year? Five? Ten? I could go to Cracked every day. Mad might rule the rack, but Cracked is master of the Web, if only in a Pop-culture-based-funny-lists sort of way.

GOOD FOR YOU CRACKED!

Like all good junkies who have blown through their stash too quickly, Harry Potter fans are probably looking for a fix about right now. Brainpan Provides. MSNBC got an interview with J. K. Rowling, a quite long, pretty extensive interview really, about all matters Potter. They have the content split into a number of articles:

Rowling: I wanted to kill parents
Exclusive: ‘Potter’ author on the importance of death in her books

Finished ‘Potter’? Rowling tells what happens next
Exclusive: Author gives details on events after the book’s final epilogue

Stop your sobbing! More Potter to come
J.K. Rowling tells TODAY she will write an ‘encyclopedia’ on characters

So there you go. And good luck with the Post Potter Detox.

From Newsarama:

According to both of today’s Hollywood trades, the long-awaited big-screen adaptation of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons Watchman has the first additions to its cast, and they are Patrick Wilson, Jackie Earle Haley, Matthew Goode, Billy Crudup, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Malin Akerman. Zack Snyder 300 directs.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, “Set in an alternate America, ‘Watchmen’ follows costumed hero Rorschach, who is living a vigilante lifestyle because most masked heroes have retired or been outlawed. While investigating a murder, Rorschach learns that a former masked-hero colleague has been killed, prompting him to begin investigating a possible conspiracy.”

Haley - best known for this roles as a teen in Breaking Away and The Bad News Bears before mounting a comeback with his Oscar-nominated role in Little Children will play Walter Kovacs, aka Rorschach, “who ignores the ban on costumed vigilantes.”

Crudup (Almost Famous, long-time voice of the Mastercard “Priceless” commercials) will play Dr. Manhattan, “a superpowered being with godlike powers and temperament.”

Akerman will play Laurie Juspeczyk/the Silk Spectre, “who is involved with Dr. Manhattan — but that relationship begins to fall apart as he becomes more disconnected from humanity.”

Goode will play Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, “a costumed adventurer who retired voluntarily, disclosed his identity and built a large fortune. He hatches a plot to avert a global catastrophe he believes will be caused by Dr. Manhattan.”

Wilson will play the Nite-Owl, “a crime-fighter who uses technical wizardry and has an owl-shaped flying vehicle.”

Morgan will play the Comedian, “a cigar-chomping, gun-toting vigilante-turned-paramilitary agent.”

Shooting is set to start this fall in Vancouver, with Snyder reportedly employing many of the filming techniques he used for his adaptation of 300.

So there you have it. Solid B list casting. Billy Crudup is a great actor. He was in a really good movie called Jesus’ Son. Dr. Manhattan is an ODD character, so I’ll be interested to see how that turns out. Still, I’m apprehensive. Watchmen is one of the best Graphic Novels of all time, and is one that I like a great deal. It seems like it would be really easy to screw up. I really hope this movie doesn’t suck, I’ve kind of been dreading it. I guess we’ll see.

Check this out, from IMDB/WENN:

Lovitz Advises Dick To “Avoid Me Like the Plague”
Funnyman Jon Lovitz is deadly serious after urging former pal Andy Dick to “avoid me like the plague” after the two comics came to blows at a Hollywood comedy club last week. Rat Race star Lovitz attacked Dick after a show at his regular Wednesday night Laugh Factory stand-up performance when the bespectacled comic refused to apologize for once threatening his fellow comedian’s life. Lovitz growls, “I was just waiting for him to say he was sorry, and he didn’t. I lost my temper. If I see him again I would do the same thing.” The two former friends fell out a decade ago when Lovitz accused Dick of re-addicting tragic comedian Phil Hartman’s wife to cocaine - just months before she shot her husband. And then a year ago, Lovitz claims Dick threatened his life when they met at a restaurant. He recalls, “He looks at me and says, ‘I put the Phil Hartman hex on you. You’re the next one to die.’ He threatened my life. Everybody’s thanking me for beating him up… I think he should avoid me like the plague.”

WOW. What a prick. I know that Andy Dick is one of these half-assed, “confrontational” comics, but there is a difference between acting like a jerk to make people laugh, and throwing the horrific murder of a close friend in somebody’s face.

I read somewhere that Jon Lovitz smashed Andy Dick’s face into the bar a few times and made his nose bleed. I hope that’s true. Andy Dick has it coming.

Daniel Radcliffe, the kid who plays Harry Potter in the movies, turned 18 today, thus coming into possession of the 40+ Million dollars he has made from the popular franchise. Can you imagine that? Getting 40 million bucks, all of a sudden, at the age of 18? Most of the people I know would have killed themselves in eight weeks if they had come in to that sort of cash. They would have gone CRAZY. When I got my student loan check I partied like Keith Richards, and that was only fourteen hundred dollars.

Here is what Radcliffe had to say about it, and by it I mean his cash - not my irresponsible youth, courtesy of Reuters-UK:

“I don’t plan to be one of those people who, as soon as they turn 18, suddenly buy themselves a massive sports car collection or something similar,” he told an Australian interviewer earlier this month. “I don’t think I’ll be particularly extravagant.

“The things I like buying are things that cost about 10 pounds — books and CDs and DVDs.”

Really? Damn. That is either one responsible kid, or an incredibly good bullshitter. I guess we’ll find out. Just ask Lindsey Lohan.

This week’s game involves firing an airplane out of a cannon in an effort to get it to go farther than your competitor’s cannon fired airplane. You win money that is used to fix up your plane so that you might compete better future competitions. What does that have to do with the Olympics? Nothing. Is it fun? You bet. I’m going to play it again right now.

Play Micro-Olympics

President Bush saw even more failure yesterday when his plan to eliminate government funding for public broadcasting met with resounding defeat in the house, 357-72. Bush, who had already cleared wall space at the Crawford ranch for Big Bird’s head, is undoubtedly disappointed. Insiders report that he shook his fist angrily at the sky and yelled, “CURSES!” and then killed a nearby aide out of frustration. Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment, as he was out tying a screaming woman to a pair of railroad tracks.

By the way, the bill was put forward by one Doug Lamborn, soulless Bush lackey number #143. Here is his contact information:

D.C. Office
437 Cannon HOB
Washington, DC 20515
Phone: (202) 225-4422
Fax: (202) 226-2638

District Office
3730 Sinton Road
Suite 150
Colorado Springs, CO 80907
Phone: (719) 520-0055
Fax: (719) 520 0840

His email contact form his HERE.

Take a minute, drop him a line, and let him know what a douche bag he is.

This is a cool idea:

Periodic Table of the Internet

It’s a bunch of popular sites arranged in an inconvenient, though visually interesting way. I’ve never been to a bunch of these places, but I’m interested to check them out. That’s the cool thing about the internet. It’s just so big. I could spend years looking at stuff and there will still be tons of great stuff I haven’t seen.

Long running comic Archie turns 65 this year, making Archie officially old enough to retire. From Comic World News:

Archie Digest # 236 offers look into the past

Archie Comics #1 changed the course of Comic Book publishing. Archie Andrews debuted in Pep Comics #22 and was an instant success. The following year Archie was given his own title with Archie Comics #1 and history was made. Archie Comics has been continuously published for 65 years and it is the only humorous comic book that can make that claim.

As a special treat for our fans. Archie Publishing is reprinting every story in Archie Comics #1, as well as the very first Archie story ever, from Pep Comics #22 and delivering a brand new story featuring Archie as he was in 1942 in a trip down memory lane as Archie of today runs into Archie of yesteryear. All of this is contained in ARCHIE DIGEST #236 at our regular digest price of $2.49. It is an outstanding price for a chance to relive comic book history.

See the first appearance of Archie, Jughead, Betty and Veronica as they were 65 years ago. In addition to the new and classic stories featuring Archie there are stories with Chubby the Bear, Bumbie the Bee-tective, Squoimy the Woim, and Judge Owl’s Fables. Stories that most fans have never seen.

Alright. See. I am a comic book fan, and like some of my peers, I have no idea what to make of Archie. It is, as the above press release makes clear, one of the longest running continuous comic series in history. There are only a handful of comics that have been around that long. It is wildly common. For example, you can find it in almost any grocery store, though I’m not sure anyone actually ever buys it.

I don’t get it. It isn’t funny, and while all other comics have changed in tone, modernized, deepened, changed to reflect the sensibility of the time, Archie has remained exactly the same, like some mosquito frozen in amber since it debuted in 1941. I don’t mean to suggest that it should become gritty and dark and hyper realistic (though that might be cool), but its comedy hasn’t progressed or evolved or updated at all. Even comics strips evolve a little. If it doesn’t change, if its appeal is its sameness, then why do we need NEW Archie?

Archie isn’t really collected either, at least by the vast majority of people who consider themselves comic collectors. So what, exactly, are we celebrating 65 years of? Mediocre comedy no one gives a crap about?

But some people do care. It does sell. People do buy it. Someone, somewhere, must be excited about the anniversary. THERE MUST BE SOMETHING I’M MISSING!

I bought one, about a year ago, just to see what it was like. I was amused by its old school sensibility, sort of like TV from the fifties, and could consider myself amused for as much as three whole minutes before I started to get bored. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe the only people who buy Archie comics are people who are trying to figure out why they still sell Archie comics. If you are reading this and you can shed some light, or if you are, in fact, an Archie fan, please do me the service of helping me to understand why. I’m not trying to be snarky or sarcastic. I really want to know. Why Archie?

Get yourself on over to fatrobotradio.com, as Episode 28 is hot and ready to party. Is it fun? You bet. Do you have anything better you could be doing? I’m sure of it. But really, who doesn’t have half an hour to invest in foamy pablum? I sure do.

Do yourself, and your country, a favor and check out the hot new podcast everyone is talking about, provided your definition of “everybody” extends to any the obscure handful of people who count themselves as members of the Fat Robot Army. You’ll be glad you did.