Mr. President,

Hi. My name is Benjamin Phillips. No, you don’t know me. I am not wealthy, Republican, or from Yale. I have never been to Texas, though if the news reports of your ranch vacations are to be believed, there is a great deal of brush that needs clearing. I’m pleased that you can find the time to do it.

Your time is valuable, so I will be brief. I read in an article today on CNN.com that in 2005 Osama Bin Laden planned to use Iraq as a base from which to launch international attacks. It went on to say that you intend to use this declassified report to defend your Iraq policy, and to support your claim that pulling the troops out of Iraq would open up a vacuum that would be quickly filled by terrorists. Kind of a, “we stopped them last time but need to keep fighting there so we can stop them next time” sort of thing.

Whatever. I’m not writing you to discuss Iraq, though I suspect that the hyper-violent terrorists that are already in Iraq would probably fight any new wanna-be terrorists that might show up to replace us. I am simply writing to deliver a message to you, George W. Bush, the holder of the highest office in the land, from the American people. Ready? You might want to sit down for this.

You don’t get to talk about Osama Bin Laden anymore.

Ever.

I’m sorry to be the one that has to break the bad news to you, but there is unfortunately nothing I can do. You simply refuse to get the hint on your own, and it’s starting to get awkward.

Don’t think that I don’t understand where you’re coming from. Bin Laden was the perfect boogeyman after 9-11. Tall, evil, scary, you couldn’t have picked a better candidate for the man who would embody evil in the 21st century. All that “wanted dead or alive” stuff? Genius. Tested very well. I feel for you. He was IMPOSSIBLE to catch. Even after WEEKS of looking. Why couldn’t he be like Saddam? Saddam didn’t even leave the country. Saddam didn’t even LEAVE HIS HOME TOWN. That was great. There was a sham trial, and you even got to execute him. But Bin Laden refused to be captured. Embarrassing.

The problem is that because you couldn’t catch him, you had to downplay him. You deemed him irrelevant, and tried to act like catching the irksome mass murderer was the definition of unimportant. Al-Qaeda was decentralized, we learned, and Osama was now marginalized and capturing him was no longer a priority.

So fine. Everybody forgot about Bin Laden, and gave you a pass about not catching him. Reelections were had all around.

But no take-backs.

Bin Laden either is, or is not important. If he is important enough to necessitate maintaining our immense commitment to Iraq, the we should step up our efforts to catch him. If he isn’t worth bothering with, then his plans shouldn’t effect our public policy. You can not, now that the war is going badly and you need a bump in the polls, re-demonize Bin Laden. Sorry. It’s total bullcrap, and your intentions are transparently obvious to anyone considering the subject for more than a few seconds.

Whew. Sorry we had to get heavy for a minute back there. I hope this doesn’t hurt our relationship. I just though you should know before you ran around embarrassing yourself again, talking about how important Bin Laden is. People are going to ask you why we haven’t caught him yet, and why you’ve been so inconsistent about him generally, so you might want to have an answer ready. Maybe something about freedom. Just a helpful tip. HAVE A GREAT MEMORIAL DAY! I hear Arlington is nice this time of year.

Respectfully,

Benjamin Phillips

In case you were worried that Scott Stapp’s time out of the spotlight would accidentally make him less of a prick, your fears have proved to be unfounded. From The Orlando Sentinel:

Scott Stapp, 33, spent the night in the county jail after deputies responded to a domestic complaint Sunday morning at his home in Long Lake Estates off Clint Moore Road. Monday morning, Circuit Judge Cory Ciklin reduced charges against the singer from felony aggravated assault to misdemeanor assault, punishable by up to 60 days in jail.

The arrest was the latest trouble for Stapp, who founded Creed, won a Grammy Award in 2000 for the song “With Arms Wide Open” and whose group sold 25 million records in the United States before breaking up in 2004. He went out on his own last year with the solo album The Great Divide.

Stapp’s wife, Jaclyn, a former Miss New York, called 911 after she said he threw an orange juice bottle at her, narrowly missing her face, according to an arrest report. Stapp acknowledged to deputies that he threw the bottle but said it was aimed at the floor and did not land near his wife.

After Scott Stapp yelled at her, he threw the bottle toward her in the pool room, she told deputies. She ran from him and called for help. She was in fear for her life, the report said.

A deputy found broken glass and what appeared to be a wet substance on the floor, the report said. Jaclyn Stapp told officials her husband started cleaning the glass and juice from the floor before deputies arrived.

Authorities removed several handguns from Scott Stapp’s safe to be held until the case is resolved.

The couple’s infant daughter, Milan Hayat, and Scott Stapp’s son from a previous marriage, Jagger, were not harmed in the fight.

Scott Stapp. What an asshole. Throwing a glass orange juice bottle at his wife in the presence of his son and infant daughter. If Paris Hilton can do 45 days (or whatever she winds up doing) for driving on a suspended license, then surely Stapp can do a little time for trying to kill the mother of his child. Violence is worse than stupidity.

NBC, after forgetting that they had not yet canceled ailing bore-fest “The Apprentice”, were spared from having to do so today as Donald Trump has announced his departure from the probably-over-anyway “realty” TV show. This proves once and for all that in network television if you ignore a problem, it might just go away. Imagine the awkward “NBC to Trump: You’re Fired” headlines we all were spared. Charitable to say the least.

In his statement Trump said that he was “moving on” to launch a “major new TV venture”. He added that we probably wouldn’t know the show, because it was from Canada.

Who’s excited? Hands?

Nobody.

Oh dear.

Good luck Donald! Those who still knew you were around will probably miss you. Probably.

This game is great. It’s called Curveball. It’s like 3d Pong. Sort of. Give it a spin and see what I mean.

For more fun games visit the ARCHIVE.

It seems that the already robust Bush economy may be in for a bumpy ride.

Economy may contract in coming months

I guess the whole “Give All The Money To The Super Rich” plan wasn’t as successful as we hoped. Go figure.