Britney Spears, who is known for her acting prowess, is apparently in talks to star in a sitcom. The program, an ensemble sitcom about teachers, tentatively titled “Detention” will probably look, if my calculations are correct, a whole lot like the current NBC show “Teachers.” Luckily that show will be cancelled by the time Britney’s clone hit the air which will, of course, never happen. Does no one remember “Crossraods?”

David Chappelle has, for the first time, given some kind of an explanation as to why he walked away from his popular Comedy Central sketch show, Chapelle's Show, and from his 50 Million dollar contract. The explanation is as follows:

“The bottom line was, white people own everything,” Chappelle said, “and where can a black person go and be himself or say something that's familiar to him and not have to explain or apologize?”

“I felt like I was really pressured to settle for something that I didn't necessarily feel like I wanted,” he told Esquire. “The thing about show business is that, in a way, it forces dysfunctional relationships in people.”

See, isn't that clearer?

Gasoline Prices Rise on Falling Supplies

Boy, it sure would be nice to have some kind ACTUAL alternative energy solution right about now.

The justification for the war on Iraq, if you subscribe to the rational set forth by the Bush administration, had mainly to do with Weapons Of Mass Destruction. This is what Big W and his finger puppets echoed again and again in the lead up to the war.

I give you Iran:

Iran President Confirms Nuclear Technology

Where are the war drums? Where are the fat headed, saber rattling, chicken hawks? Why has the ill-considered 'doctrine of preemption' not been set into motion? Where are the thoughtless blanket condemnations from the conservative punditry?

Nowhere to be seen.

I think this says a lot about the war in Iraq. Everything we have ever heard about it was smoke. Illusion. Well constructed spin designed to give the power mongers at the top of the administration the war they wanted. They, who had no use for diplomacy when the military was strong and unencumbered, had the luxury of the offense at that time. They could play the Iraq card for the money and the great poll numbers, because back then we weren't embroiled in two wars. They, and this is well covered ground by now, but they assumed the war would be easy and profitable, and would make the US stronger. They could intimidate the other nasty countries into good behavior at that time. Now, however, after a protracted war with no foreseeable end, waning public support, and an ever weakening president, we are in no such position. Iran can give us the diplomatic middle finger, secure in the knowledge that with things the way they are in America they will be much more likely to get away with whatever they want.

Now, and this should be fun to watch, Bush has to be Clinton. He will have to put aside his well worn swagger, buck up, and will have to rely on the UN, the same UN he pissed on three years ago, to help solve this problem for him. I just hope that Bush hasn't caused more trouble than the international community can clean up, because NOBODY wants Iran to have the Bomb.

Basic Instinct dropped to 16th place over the weekend. So much for word of mouth.

This Saturday marks the birthday of disgraced soon to be ex-congressman Tom Delay. We here at Brain Pan would like to wish him warm regards and many happy returns on his special day, namely, by dragging his sorry ass through the mud one last time.

First there is this:

This mug shot from his arrest last year on conspiracy charges, wherein he grins like he has no worries in the world, is one of my favorites. He looks happy doesn't he? If jail makes him so happy, he should be positively giddy before too long.

Then there is this, cribbed from wikipedia, which constitutes behavior not illegal, but certainly very, very evil:

According to ABC's 20/20 television program, Jack Abramoff lobbied DeLay to stop legislation banning sex shops and sweatshops that force employees to have abortions in the Northern Mariana Islands when Abramoff accompanied DeLay on a 1997 trip to the commonwealth. While on the trip, DeLay promised not to put the bill on the legislative calendar.

DeLay later blocked a fact-finding mission planned by Rep. Peter Hoekstra by threatening Hoekstra with the loss of his subcommittee chairmanship.

Wow.

If you want a good list detailing all the awful things he's done, go here: THE CRIMES OF TOM DELAY

Tom stepped down this week, and will resign his seat sometime soon, but we here at Brain Pan will remember him for the horrible, corrupt, and generally vile human being he is, and will, in some small way, miss him.

Not really.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOM DELAY!

We here at Brain Pan have been following the fallout from last weekend's disastrous megaflop, Basic Instinct 2. We have been covering it for the better part of the week, and every time it seems like the vanity and delusion is about to die down on the part of insane film star Sharon Stone, she just goes and kicks it back up again.

Read this from WENN:

Sharon Stone will direct Basic Instinct 3 in Britain, the actress has revealed. The blonde star is keen to continue the franchise - following her return as Catherine Tramell in the recently released sequel - but wants to step behind the camera next time around. Stone, 48, says, “There's a script for the next part of the story - but I would like to direct it rather than star in it. “It will be filmed in the UK again as the setting is more intense and gritty.”

Damn.

That is an almost unprecedented amount of horseshit. Not since Halle Berry proclaimed that she would be interested in making Catwoman 2 have I seen a person less aware of massive public disinterest. I am forced to wonder if she actually thinks she will find a production company outside the pornographic film community who would be willing to bank roll a such a sure failure.

This has slipped beyond funny, and right into sad. Someone inside her inner circle should stage an intervention.

Let's learn a little about what a Press Secretary does. Here is a definition from Wikipedia:

A press secretary is a senior advisor (usually to a politician) who provides advice on how to deal with the media and, using news management techniques, helps them to maintain a positive public image and avoid negative media coverage.

So, they're basically spin doctors then.

Let's see them spin this:

Homeland Security Deputy Press Secretary Arrested in Child Sex Sting

Apparently nothing.

As we discussed yesterday, a bad public response to a pointless, self serving ego project can be a valuable wake up call to a pampered, out of touch, often over the hill performer or artist. It can be a time of rejuvenation. A time of healing. An important opportunity to pause, take stock of yourself, and perhaps pull your narcissistic and increasingly irrelevant butt out of your creative tailspin, maybe even in time to save what may or may not be left of your tattered integrity. Sometimes the hideous public failure and subsequent embarrassment are all an artist needs to bring them around to reality, and once grounded, the newly humbled figure may once again be capable of producing material of quality and value. Failure can be a powerful ether.

Or, if you're Sharon Stone, you plunge immediately into another, even more pointless vanity project, this time in the form of crappy record that no one will ever listen to ever. That's right, according to reports Sharon Stone, fresh from the disastrous failure of Basic Instinct 2 last weekend, has hit the recording studio to put on tape some songs she has been working on “with collaborators” over the last year.

Because apparently ANYBODY can made a record.

This is common actually. Lots of actors are under the mistaken impression that being a recording artist is really, really easy. They feel that since they are successful in one form of artistic expression that this somehow makes them talented in ALL their creative endeavors.

Observe this short list of actors who have tried their hands at music, and you tell me how many of their records you, the music consumer, own:

Sharon Stone belly flopped this weekend with a paltry 3.2 Million dollar opening for the 1992 Basic Instinct sequel, cleverly titled Basic Instinct 2. It was tied with “Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector” for 10th place.

What can we learn from this?

There is a point in every lame ego project when the production stops being a self serving sycophantic love fest, and must be thrown into the harsh white spotlight of reality and public opinion. How you deal with such a moment says a lot about your strength as a artist. Sharon Stone: THAT TIME HAS COME FOR YOU.

I hope you are prepared.