Tomorrow night is New Year's Eve, one of the strangest holiday's on the calendar, and one of the many designed primarily for drinking. That's fine. Watching the rarely drunk throw up is funny. However, the most interesting thing to see tomorrow night will not be the contents of their stomachs, it will instead be what I call:

OLD GUY SMACKDOWN

SATURDAY NIGHT, TIMES SQUARE: BE THERE

That's right, on one channel you have Regis Philbin, a man whose fame continues to baffle me, will be counting down from ten in direct competition with Dick Clark, back from his stroke on a completely different channel, hoping to count backwards. I think a guy a couple years out from a major stroke might want to stay in on a cold Saturday night, but who am I to dictate to America’s oldest living teenager.

Who will win? I don't know. I for one would like to see them fist fight (I have my money on Clark). Either way, in the battle for Master of the Dropping Ball I think we can all agree on who the real loser is:

Ryan Seacrest.

GREAT NEWS: Arriving on the scene like a late Christmas gift, the Brain Pan Online/Silly Little Trouser Monkees message board is BACK UP. It had been down for about a month, which was sad, but now its wildly popular services are AVAILABLE AGAIN. Enjoy everyone!!!

No big suprise, 37 year olds don't just up and die of “heart falure”:
Report: Mitch Hedberg OD'd

There is a conspiracy afoot. I didn't want to break it to you last week in respect for the Christmas season, but now that all the presents are unwrapped and the decorative pine trees have either been disassembled or dragged to the curb, I think I am safe to disclose to you this troubling peice of news. I wrote an article a while back about how Sleigh Ride, popular Christmas carol, had in actuality nothing at all to do with Christmas. Shocking, I know. This prompted me to do a little research, and after a full five minutes of thought, I discovered a couple of other 'winter' songs masquerading as Christmas Songs. I am today prepared to unmask these imposters.

First on the list is the popular Christmas classic, Let It Snow. This song is not about Christmas. It makes no mention of family, shopping, Santa Claus, or anything like that. It may, in fact, have the least to do with Christmas out of the bunch. The song is really about how the singer wants a snow storm to continue so that he/she can make out in front of the fire place with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend.

Next up is a real holiday favorite, Winter Wonderland. This song is about screwing around in the snow, and generally being happy in the wintertime. While that's a little closer in subject matter than Let It Snow, it is still just a winter song. Winter doesn't end on December 25th you know.

The last one shocked me. I read the lyrics several times just to make sure that I was right, and I will print them here so that you can see for yourself, because this is a biggie. Really big. If you asked 100 school children to make a list of their top five favorite Christmas songs, I'd bet this one would make the list. at least better than 60% of the time. Ready?

Jingle bells.

I know. Read for yourself:

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A sleighing song tonight

(chorus x2)

See. It's just another song about sleighing. It has nothing to do with Christmas. It was apparently not even written for Christmas, but for thanksgiving, although I can't really see what it has to do with that holiday either.

So there you go. I hate to break the bad news but I feel it is my duty. These things must not go by unchecked. The good news is that if you are a fan of these holiday favorites, you can now sing them well into March. Remember, knowledge is half the battle.

Another little bad piece of Christmas News:

Report: Al Sharpton Dismisses Sitcom Role

NEW YORK (AP) - Al Sharpton, who was previously in talks with CBS to star in a sitcom, says he's not interested in being a TV star after all.

“I haven't done the things I've done to be in a sitcom,” Sharpton told the News & Observer of Raleigh, N.C., in Tuesday's editions.

The Democrat, who has run for president, mayor of New York and the Senate, was earlier this month reported to be working with CBS on a pilot tentatively titled, “Al in the Family” - an allusion to the Archie Bunker classic '70s show.

“I'm not interested in being Archie Bunker, I'm looking forward to becoming George Bush,” Sharpton said, alluding to a possible future presidential race.

The 51-year-old activist-minister said there had been discussions with Paramount Television, but those talks had ended. The show was to have been about a family with “conflicting social and political views.”

I so wanted that to happen. It would have been the funniest show in the history of TV. Oh Well. See you Tuesday.

It is my sad, sad duty to report that due to profound lack of interest the “Funniest Thing I Saw This Christmas” contest has been canceled. We received not one entry, or inquiry, or even a single piece of hate mail. OH HOW I LONG FOR HATE MAIL. Maybe we will do it next year. Probably not. The subscription to SLTM will go to the next person who emails me. I've got my money on the “Increase Your Size and Your Power” people. Spammers must read too, right?

Today is the deadline for your entries into the “Funniest Thing I've Seen This Christmas” contest, so get them in by email by noon 12-21-05. If you don't actually want to mail me you can just reply to this post. I will select my favorites tomorrow, and the winner will be announced on Thursday. Friday and Monday we will be closed for Christmas. DON'T FORGET TO SUPPLY YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WITH YOUR ENTRIES SO THAT I KNOW WHO TO CONTACT ABOUT THE PRIZE.

Sorry Ladies, no squeaky geek love just yet.

Weezer singer continues vow of celibacy

A dead body was found on property belonging to Carroll Spinney, the guy who plays TV's Big Bird. According to yahoo,

Social worker Judith Nilan was reported missing by her husband Monday after she failed to return from a run. On Tuesday, police discovered her body in a shed on Spinney's property and proceeded to charge the actor's caretaker, Scott Deojay, with kidnapping. Police said Spinney, who plays Oscar the Grouch in addition to Big Bird, was not a suspect in the crime.

Well that's reassuring. I would hate to see that big yellow bird in bound in handcuffs and being shoved into the back of a police car.

Here's the whole article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/eo/20051215/en_celeb_eo/17980

This is just odd. A police department in the UK wanted to come up with an ad that would scare holiday motorists into sobriety. Instead of the usual tactics this year a proposal was made that would involve, “having Santa run over and killed by a drink-driver.” The brainstorming session also threw up an idea that St Nick could be nicked for drink-driving himself. Can you imagine the reaction had that been actually tried?

Read the whole article here: http://news.scotsman.com/uk.cfm?id=2395442005motorists