Dear Democratic Party,

     I'm sure that all of you, like me, are happy to hear that some measure of justice was done regarding the indictment of I. Scooter Libby. He's an asshole, and the United States Government is better for being rid of him. Whoo-hoo.
     I do, however, have a few things I would like to say, just between us Democrats, about what this might mean for us, politically.
     Yes, this was good news. It confirms everything we have ever said about what a lying, corrupt, malicious administration this is, and it certainly doesn't hurt our long held assertions that President Bush lied to justify the war on Iraq. It will give us credibility in the future, and helps makes the Republican Party look shifty, sneaky, and willing to do anything to get their way.
     But I do have a little bit of bad news for you, on what has been an otherwise, again politically, a pretty good week:

     We had nothing to do with any of it.

     We were in no substantial way responsible for any of these positive things that have happened. People like us just as much as they did before, they just like them less. I maintain that it is never a good thing when your best party strategy is to just be quiet. Here's a little number I got from the Pew Research Center, you're not going to like it, but let's just call it tough love: According to their latest survey, only about thirdof the people (32%) approve of the job Democratic leaders in Congress are doing, while the same number has a positive view of Republican congressional leaders (32%). So let's not go pop any champagnebottles just yet.
     The reason for this, in my opinion, is that we still come across as desperate, needy, wishy-washy, buzz kills, with no clear message for anyone to connect to. There is nothing inherently wrong with our message; our polices make more sense and are better suited to actually help the majority of the people in this country, and have been proven time and time again to be effective. Just look at the world under Clinton: roaring economy, plenty of work, less crime, less international hatred; things were great. We were right about Bush and his lot being crooked, lying, untrustworthy, criminals, and we're right about the rest of what we say too, but my point is that we cant count on the terminal corruption of the ruling party to make our WHOLE point for us. So, in an effort to help out, I have crafted a few little suggestions that I thought might help you out:

        1. Quit it with these stiff brainy Presidential candidates. We need somebody people can connect to. People like the shiny package, not John Edwards shiny, but not boring-ass Al Gore/ John Kerry types either. No one likes to be lectured.

        2. Work on the neediness. Every time we say anything, we sound like geeks asking the head cheerleader to the Prom. We want it too much, it freaks people out, and frankly it's no way to get in the cheerleaders pants. We want the people to believe us SO BADLY, and it shows through SO MUCH, that it doesn't matter what we say, people don't want to hear it coming from someone with no confidence and no charisma. I think we would have had a better shot at electing Ben Affleck than John Kerry. There has to be some middle ground between those two options.

        3. Show some leadership and don't just bitch all the time. People dont like whiners. We HAVE to stop talking about stolen elections and lost battles, and start getting people excited about the future of the country. Their ideas dont work, we can prove it, so let's do it already.

        4. Dont be so patronizing. Try to talk to people on their level. Why do you think Bush does so well? They can relate to him, and they are under the mistaken impression that he can relate with them. Oh, and ease up on the statistics, it bores the shit out of people. Ralph Nader doesn't win for a reason. Just tell people. Theyre not stupid, they'll understand. The pompous dont electrify anybody.

     There, I hope that helps.

     See you at the ballot box in '06,

     Benjamin Phillips

     PS: I am aware that I used Statistics in this article. The healing starts at home.