Dentists hate Halloween. Want Proof? I point you to Dentist offers cash for Halloween candy. This dentist is willing to pay $2 a pound for children's Halloween candy. Last year he collected 917 ponds of candy. That means that last year he paid the children of Farmington Hills, MI 1,834 dollars for their candy. Then he donates it or something.
    This seems like a really bad idea. I don't know what the people in Farmington Hills, MI are like, but I am willing to bet that there are a few parents out there willing to drive their kids all around their sleepy little hamlet, push little Sally Princess or Joe Frankenstien out of the car, and make them knock on every single door in the Farmington area, just so they can snatch their kids candy and trade it in for the cash. It's unscrupulous, but I bet it happens. This turns the dentist from a friendly and well meaning tooth doctor, into a slimy fence for ill-gotten miniature Snickers Bars. It just seems like a really bad idea, and a really good way to screw up children's heads.

    Dear Democratic Party,

     I'm sure that all of you, like me, are happy to hear that some measure of justice was done regarding the indictment of I. Scooter Libby. He's an asshole, and the United States Government is better for being rid of him. Whoo-hoo.
     I do, however, have a few things I would like to say, just between us Democrats, about what this might mean for us, politically.
     Yes, this was good news. It confirms everything we have ever said about what a lying, corrupt, malicious administration this is, and it certainly doesn't hurt our long held assertions that President Bush lied to justify the war on Iraq. It will give us credibility in the future, and helps makes the Republican Party look shifty, sneaky, and willing to do anything to get their way.
     But I do have a little bit of bad news for you, on what has been an otherwise, again politically, a pretty good week:

     We had nothing to do with any of it.

     We were in no substantial way responsible for any of these positive things that have happened. People like us just as much as they did before, they just like them less. I maintain that it is never a good thing when your best party strategy is to just be quiet. Here's a little number I got from the Pew Research Center, you're not going to like it, but let's just call it tough love: According to their latest survey, only about thirdof the people (32%) approve of the job Democratic leaders in Congress are doing, while the same number has a positive view of Republican congressional leaders (32%). So let's not go pop any champagnebottles just yet.
     The reason for this, in my opinion, is that we still come across as desperate, needy, wishy-washy, buzz kills, with no clear message for anyone to connect to. There is nothing inherently wrong with our message; our polices make more sense and are better suited to actually help the majority of the people in this country, and have been proven time and time again to be effective. Just look at the world under Clinton: roaring economy, plenty of work, less crime, less international hatred; things were great. We were right about Bush and his lot being crooked, lying, untrustworthy, criminals, and we're right about the rest of what we say too, but my point is that we cant count on the terminal corruption of the ruling party to make our WHOLE point for us. So, in an effort to help out, I have crafted a few little suggestions that I thought might help you out:

        1. Quit it with these stiff brainy Presidential candidates. We need somebody people can connect to. People like the shiny package, not John Edwards shiny, but not boring-ass Al Gore/ John Kerry types either. No one likes to be lectured.

        2. Work on the neediness. Every time we say anything, we sound like geeks asking the head cheerleader to the Prom. We want it too much, it freaks people out, and frankly it's no way to get in the cheerleaders pants. We want the people to believe us SO BADLY, and it shows through SO MUCH, that it doesn't matter what we say, people don't want to hear it coming from someone with no confidence and no charisma. I think we would have had a better shot at electing Ben Affleck than John Kerry. There has to be some middle ground between those two options.

        3. Show some leadership and don't just bitch all the time. People dont like whiners. We HAVE to stop talking about stolen elections and lost battles, and start getting people excited about the future of the country. Their ideas dont work, we can prove it, so let's do it already.

        4. Dont be so patronizing. Try to talk to people on their level. Why do you think Bush does so well? They can relate to him, and they are under the mistaken impression that he can relate with them. Oh, and ease up on the statistics, it bores the shit out of people. Ralph Nader doesn't win for a reason. Just tell people. Theyre not stupid, they'll understand. The pompous dont electrify anybody.

     There, I hope that helps.

     See you at the ballot box in '06,

     Benjamin Phillips

     PS: I am aware that I used Statistics in this article. The healing starts at home.

    I think George W. Bush's political success can be primarily attributed to his association with the lunatic right, and as it turns out, they are tougher than the mob.
    See, his problems started when he forgot who exactly it was that was really in charge. He thought, and I can understand his mistake, he is PRESIDENT AFTER ALL, but he thought that he ran things.
    You see, a very long time ago W. made a deal. He wanted to be president, but was wildly under qualified. In order to bridge that gap, he promised the loony, fanatical, ideologues on the far, far right of his party that he would give them all the crazy things that they wanted, if they would in turn allow him the use their arsenal of dirty tricks. So they did. They destroyed anyone who challenged him, lied and stole and slandered, and won him the office he wanted. They brought him power through fear, religious guilt, and a total willingness to do whatever was needed, tell anyone anything they wanted to hear, in order to get their support. And it worked. It always works.
     But his success came at a hefty price. He can't have the Supreme Court justice he wants because they won't let him. She's not crazy enough. They put him in the situation his is in, and they will MAKE him deliver on his promises. When he put his friend Harriet Myers up for the seat, they decided that she wasn't going to give them what they wanted, so they tore her to pieces. They didn't care that it wasn't what Bush wanted because they don't care about him. They tore the unity the Republican Party had developed to pieces, because they don't care about Republicans either. They are interested only in their agenda. The wolverines just attack who ever it is that stands in their way. Even if it's Bush.
    His government won't function because everybody close to him is about to go to jail, due to all the lying and slandering. He had to be corrupt and associate with corrupt people to get where he wanted, and now that corruption has made it impossible for him to function. He can't enjoy what hes been given, because what's left of him is so weak, and so beholden to the wolverines, that he has to spend all his time giving them what they want. It's like he's restaurant owner who borrowed money from the mob to save his failing business, then after struggling to pay the payments discovers that it's not really his business anymore. He sold it the moment he took the mob's money. The best he can hope for is to be eaten quickly by the wolverines when the last payment comes due.

    Poison Guitarist Gets 80 Days in Jail

    No, it's not for sucking.

    Wow, do I hate creationists. Its not the blatant disregard for established scientific fact simply because it happens to conflict with a strict interpretation of the bible. Whatever. It's more their repeated attempts to remove scientific fact from the public school curriculum based on their personal religious beliefs that bothers me. I don't care if you believe Santa Claus is real, just don't make teachers put his workshop on a geography class map.
    However, as is often the case, the majority of the population disagrees with me. A recent poll found that 51% of Americans believe, “God created human beings in their present form.” That means that they think Darwin was full of crap. Astounding. To me that's like reading a poll saying that 51% of the people believe gravity is caused by the tooth fairy.

     The new managment over at Silly Little trouser Monkees have revamped their website, and I engourage any and all of you to pop on over there to take a look. Great site, lots of cool stuff including music news and tons of archived album reviews.

Check it out here: www.sltmonkees.com

    In a friendly attempt to ruin your weekend, I bring you the story of New Hampshire Senator Judd Greg, husband, father, lawyer, owner of assets some where in the 2.5 to 9 million dollar range, and republican chairman of the Senate budget committee.

    Oh yeah, and he also won over 850,000 dollars in the Powerball drawing last week.

    I have only one question about this: WHAT IS A FUCKING MILLIONAIRE PLAYING THE POWER BALL LOTTERY FOR? Why? Is he trying to get ALL of the money in the world? He bought 20 tickets. He wasn't just playing for fun, he was trying to WIN the Goddamned thing. Makes me want to throw up.

Read about Mr. Good Fortune here: N.H. Sen. Judd Gregg Gets Lucky on Powerball

He can smile all he wants, it's still a mug shot.

    Tom “the cleaner” DeLay got another bit of bad news today when the Texas court that indited him issued an arrest warrant for the former House majority leader. Did he take it like a man? No, of course not. His people called it, “standard operating procedure”, tried to blow it off, and he probably made that sincere but pissed off face he makes every time his legal situation gets worse. Needless to say, he's been making that face a lot lately.
    In this case I agree with Mr DeLay. It is, “standard operating procedure”. For criminals. People who break the law get arrested, fingerprinted, and have mug shots taken, all things Mr Delay will likely have to do.
    I would like to see him get hauled out of the House chamber in handcuffs, windbreaker over his head, cameras pushing into him screaming demands that he answer for himself, and to see his sorry money-laundering ass be stuffed awkwardly into the back plastic seat of a patrol car. Maybe he would resist, and the cops would have to rough him up a little bit. This probably won't happen, but it would almost be worth the Republicans being in control of the house if it did. Almost.

Read the full story here: Texas Court Issues Arrest Warrant for DeLay

    Brain Pan Online is not a huge website. We get a modest, loyal, and highly intelligent readership, (although asskiller seems to have disappeared, probably due to being such a pussy) whom we value immensely, but lets be honest, we can do better. With this in mind we have decided to pursue an aggressive plan designed to draw more attention to this site, thus bringing us the wealth and notoriety we so richly deserve. The plan is tentatively called :

GET THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY TO SUE US

    How, you may ask, does this plan work? Well skeptics, consider the case of scientomogy.info. This is a really small site, that has among its content videos about Scientology and how stupid it is, and videos of Tom Cruise acting bizarre on TV. For this, they are being SUED BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY. See, imagine all the traffic they are getting now. THAT COULD BE US.
    So, in an effort to kick off GTCOSTSU, I have the following statement to make:

    Scientology is a total load of crap, and Tom Cruise is crazy.

    Hopefully this will work, and inside of a few weeks I will be making these entries on a brand new lap top, on the international space station. HERE'S HOPING!