To say things have not been going well for Republicans would be kind of an understatement. How bad is it? Let's just do a short list:

     Remember that inspiring story a while back involving that guy who had shot a couple of people in a Georgia courthouse, then had taken a lady hostage only to release her some time later after she had readto him passages from the huge Christian inspirational moneymaker 'A Purpose Driven Life'?
    Yeah, it was a heartwarming news story wasn't it?
    It just wasn't true.
    It turns out that while she may have indeed read him said religious text, the thing that really helped turn the tide was the fact that she gave him some of her meth stash.
     I had wondered about that story. It seemed weird to me that a crazed just-killed-two-people-today gun slinging maniac who now had a hostage to take care of, would let her bust out her current reading material and read a few passages aloud to him. I've seen the movies, and hostage situations usually involve, say, being bound to a bedwith extension chords and masking tape. Less book club, and more fight club. And as it turns out, SHE WAS bound to a bed with extension chords and masking tape. I don't know about you, but I find it hard to read when my extremities have been bound the posts of my bed. Nothing to hold the book up.
    It seems that the way she managed to get herself freed from the bed, was that the crazy gun slinging maniac wanted some weed. Further proving the old adage, always give a homicidal maniac what he wants, she felt compelled to comply. Except that she didn't have and weed. To rectify such an embarrassing social blunder, she offered him some of her crystal meth supply instead. A real ice breaker. Soon they were higher than Rush Limbaugh, she busted out the reading material, and she was on her way to being the living example of the redemptive power of faith that she is today. Its just that she left that whole part about the meth out when she told the cops, only choosing to include it in her new book, ON SALE SEPTEMBER 30TH.
    Not to diminish the power of the book any, I haven't read it, nor have I ever taken any methamphetamines, but it seems to me that a man in that state of mind might have just as easily had a religious experience based on readings from The Cat In The Hat Comes Back. He was F'ed up. He was crazy. The headlines from the Wall Street Journal might have done the trick. Maybe it was just because she was nice to him, and he was high. The story just isn't so clear cut now, that's all I'm saying.

     Have you ever wondered why the computer/typewriter keyboard is set up the way it is as opposed to say, alphabetically? Well today I did, and for an answer I turned to where millions of other people can now turn for answers to their stupid, unimportant, time wasting questions. GONE are the days of laboring over the name of that guy from that one movie, only to have to see it hopelessly stranded on the end of your tongue. Before the internet, if were one were plagued with some question, some random tidbit of trivia, and no one you knew could producethe answer, then you were simply out of luck. Maybe you could do something drastic like LOOK IT UP IN AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, but not many people had them, and more often than not that would require a trip to the library.
     Now we have the Internet.
   After a quick search, very quick, I discovered that, as is often the case, the internet is conflicted and there are two schools of thought on the manner:

1. It was arranged the way was it in order to prevent jamming on early typewriters.

2. The order was chosen based on careful thought into which were the most commonly used letters, then arranged to place those letters closer to the fingers.

    Which is it? Who knows. That would require research, and I'm not that thorough. But if I know the internet the subject will be argued about in countless message boards and chat rooms for the rest of eternity.

     So I'm at this James Brown concert over the weekend and I have to admit, I had James Brown all wrong. It was great. The man is in his seventies, and was more active than I am. I had assumed that he would just hammer throughhis hits, then take off.
     But I was wrong.
    It was phenomenal. He has probably the tightest, hottest band that I have ever seen. He had them dressed up in matching black suits, but with these Cap'n Crunch tassel things on their shoulders. They followed his every move, watched his every step, and were so on top of every of James Brown's little hand gestures and mid song directions, that I feel confident in saying that whatever they are being paid, it isn't enough.
    James Brown was so on top of his game, and in his element, that he was capable of making each song not just a played-like-the-record retread, but a full on grade A funk jam. I would be surprised if there were any more than two songs that lasted less than five minutes. Most went on for more like ten. It was not a concert, it was a SHOW. Had dancers, (really just choreographed strippers who were at one point wearing only a black bra and black panties, with the initialsJB on the ass) and an MC and a guy that handed him a silk handkerchief that he used to wipe his face on. It was first class all the way. The whole thing reminded me of Frank Sinatra. Not in terms of the music, but rather in the way he was treated by his organization. James Brown is the Boss. Period. He ordered them around, had them take extra solos, play little country licks, or do whatever his whim was at that particular minute. He just reeked style, and treated his band with nothing but respect. But never, at anytime, did anyone, ever, do anything that would displease Mr. James Brown. Thats the rule: Don't screw up around James Brown.
     He is out of his mind though. He went on a five minute mumble, first on the importance of education and then somehow morphed into a discussion of Janis Joplin, and the various people that had been slated to play her in the planned Hollywoodbiopic. Then later, in the middle of a song, stopped everything to talk about hurricanes, and then tsunamis, then yelled at a spot light guy, then warned the audience about somethingthat sounded a lot like, 'hurricanes in Illinois'. It was all really crazy, and fun, and it only added to the experience.
     So here is my advice to you: Go see James Brown. Right now if you can. Why are you reading this when you could be out watching James Brown right now? Go quick, because nobody that old can keep that up forever.

    I am off this weekend to see none other than the Godfather of Soul himself, Mr James Brown. He will be performing in what must be a true career highlight, Eastern Illinois University's gymnasium. Guess times have been hard for the crazy old bastard, as its not even a very nice gymnasium, but we'll see if he can rise up to his mantle of “The Hardest Working Man In Show Business”. I hope so. I don't know if I can take an hour of “the most worn out old man in show Business”.

    The Cokeheads and the Crazies: A match made in heaven.

     Scientology reaches out to Kate Moss

    The article says that, “Scientology has become quite proactive in reaching out to people.” While we can't know exactly what that means, I like to think it involves Tom Cruse chasing coked out supermodels around with a butterfly net.

     Would you like to chat with God?

    Well you can't. You can however chat with an easily derailed online program, found Here, that responds to your real life questions in a creepy-till-you-fugure-it-out kind of way. I have found that you can actually have quite a long conversation with the robot, even if it isn't a real deity.

     Has anyone ever found themselves in an unusual situation, pinched themselves to see if they were dreaming, and found out that they were? I don't think so.

    Yep. I was right. In his speech about the hurricane last night he mentioned both 9-11 and terrorism. Observe:
    ”Four years after the frightening experience of September 11th, Americans have every right to expect a more effective response in a time of emergency.”

    ”In a time of terror threats and weapons of mass destruction, the danger to our citizens reaches much wider than a fault line or a flood plain.”

    Wow.

     The President, who is currently less popular than the clap, will attempt to put himself back in America's good graces this evening by throwing a little money at the problem. The whole thing reminds me of when he gave everybody three hundred dollars out of the treasury so that he could get elected, (This was not, by the way, buying the election. Why buy what you can steal.) He will go on TV tonight with his plan to spend Billions of dollars rebuilding New Orleans. Which he obviously should do. If he had done it before the hurricane, and had built up the levees like he had been asked to then he would have had to spend a whole lot less now, but I don't want to nit pick.
     All I really have to say about it is that if he had come off looking like a hero instead of an asshole, the odds are he wouldn't be so willing to pony up the cash right now. That's fine. I'm glad he is doing the right thing, even if it's for the wrong reasons.

    Fun Activity: Watch and see if he mentions 9-11 at all. Or theorists. I don't see how he can, but if anybody could figure it out he could.