A few words about Art Garfunkel: I like Simon and Garfunkel, many don’t, and I can understand, but I do, and I was always under the impression that of the duo, Garfunkel was, perhaps, the weaker member. 
     This may or may not be true. 
     One thing is for CERTAIN however, and that is that Garfunkel is DEFINITELY the bigger pot smoker. 
     Garfunkel, who has already been to court once in the past year for marijuana possession, was charged again yesterday after police pulled him over for blowing a stop sign, and upon searching his car, found a joint in his ashtray. (I like the mental picture involved here: The police are searching Art Garfunkel’s car, stricken with their serious cop faces, probably being dicks about the whole thing, and he is standing roadside with that pissed off, I’m screwed, look on his face.)
     I have two comments to make regarding this incident. First, if he were any of the non-famous, Garfunkel would be looking at some serious trouble. Two possession busts in a year is bad news. I don’t know how bad, as I am no expert on the laws regarding misdemeanor drug possession in the sate of New York, but I am sure that it is bad nonetheless. 
     Second, Art Garfunkel wasn’t even trying to be careful. He was just blasting around in his car, blowing stop signs, blazing away on a big ole’ rock star hooter, totally oblivious to any possible trouble that might make for him. Brilliant. Who knew Art Garfunkel had such big balls. Ozzy Osbourne is tramping around on TV with his boring ass family, and Art Garfunkel is racking up two drug busts in a year. I wonder if he hangs out with Courtney Love?

     Upon reading in an almanac over the weekend (great for the bathroom by the way), I came upon a list of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I read through it, and was angered by what I though were a few glaring omissions. I had a little conversation with myself about, pants around the ankles, this morning. “WELL HELL,” I thought to myself, “I have a little corner of the web at my disposal, probably the tiniest corner, but I can none-the-less launch into a tirade about it, and try to right a few wrongs the only way I know how, IE Pointless Bitching.
     I looked over the list. The Ramones weren't on there. AND WHAT ABOUT THE CLASH YOU ASK? Nope. No Clash. I was resolved. A list was to be made. A great list in the tradition of such hack monstro-mags like Spin and Rolling Stone. I would call it: “TEN BANDS THAT SHOULD BE IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME AND AREN'T”. Or something. But it would set things in motion. People would read it, just the usual 10 people a first, but it would grow. Calls would be made. Petitions signed. Soon there would be a great outcry to the president, or whoever, the guy who runs things down at the hall of fame, and I would soon be proved right. I, your humble correspondent, would be heralded as the next Lester Bangs, and would be quickly given Hummer, and a syndicated column. Maybe I would win the Pulitzer Prize, and get to have lunch with any Ramone that might still be alive.
     I later discovered, from an unusual bout of research that overcame me, that The Clash AND The Ramones are both in the hall, and that I am an idiot. Further inspection of the almanac shows that it is from the year 2002, and that both the above named bands were, in fact, inducted after that time. So much for my Hummer. Therefore I have decided to forgo the list. It would be silly now, and would only mean more research. I will instead leave this as a cautionary tale. The moral? KEEP AROUND AN UP TO DATE ALMANAC.

     Republicans can be nasty. This is something we all know. But few are the chances to witness just how nasty they can really be, when provoked. Take the example of Bill Frist. This man is a real right winger, Senate Majority Leader, and an all around inside player. He can get a meeting with the President, like, whenever he wants. Or could. This was until a few weeks ago, when he came out in support of Stem Cell research, at which point the right started attacking him like he was Ralph Nader.

Read About It Here:

Evangelical ads target Frist in Iowa

Why is it that Kevin Costner is only tolerable when his character is a baseball player? How can that be? Is there anyone else whose careers work like this? I don’t think so. Maybe Joe Pesci and the Mob.

     The blog spammers hit me again. WILL THE SPIES NEVER STOP! Our work here is too important to bee snooped upon.

What if THIS…

   …fell into the wrong hands. I shudder to think.

     I am a little surprised that the media is making such a big deal out of Pat Robertson saying that the US government should assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Pat says crazy things all the time. And while I do remember there being something in the bible about murder being bad, and I can agree that Chavez is a card holding member of the Crazy-Ass Dictator's Club, I do not see how this time is very much different. Mild in fact. This is why today Brain Pan brings you:

Crazy Shit Pat Robertson Has Said

   1.  I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period.

   2.  NOW is saying that in order to be a woman, you've got to be a lesbian.

   3.  [about Planned Parenthood] It is teaching kids to fornicate, teaching people to have adultery, every kind of bestiality, homosexuality, lesbianism - everything that the Bible condemns.

   4.  Many of those people involved with Adolph Hitler were Satanists, many of them were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.

   5.  I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice… [Your children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it.

   6.  The key in terms of mental ability is chess. There's never been a woman Grand Master chess player. Once you get one, then I'll buy some of the feminism.

   7.  The courts are merely a ruse, if you will, for humanist, atheistic educators to beat up on Christians.

   8.  Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

   9. [during an interview] I read your book. When you get through, you say, “If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom [Washington Dc], I think that's the answer.” I mean, you get through this, and you say, “We've got to blow that thing up.” I mean, is it as bad as you say?

   And this is the best one, as is displays is vast scientific understanding,
  
   10.  I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing off this earth, uh, the darker it gets. I think if you look at the color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors.

   So see, he is always saying crazy ass things like that, and is probably only doing it for attention. Which he gets. I mean who can resist letting him make an ass out of himself in front of the nation. I sure can't.

     SHHHH. There are spies EVERYWHERE.

     Something unusual has happened to Brain Pan. Many of the older entries, ones dating back several months, have all been commented upon. This is odd for two reasons.
    
     1. Visits to the archive are rare, and
     2. These messages are all the same.

     Rather they fall under one of four varieties. Thank you for the info. 'This was very helpful,' 'Your site is really very interesting,' 'Very nice blog. It is very helpful,' and 'News on every hour.' All these posts are under different girls names, and all are followed with the name of a website. (I will refrain from naming it, as they have obtained enough free advertising from me as it is.) The strange thing is, when I tried to visit this site, IT DID NOT EXIST. At all. When I searched for it in Google I found 3700 other blogs that this clandestine organization has done this to, all with the exact same messages, all under different names. So I ask, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Is this just some kind of new, harmless blog spam? So will I now be getting positive feedback from people with nicknames like getVicodinnow? No, I believe this is something much more sinister than that. This is the work of DANGEROUS GOVERNMENT SPIES, who are MONITORING THE INTERNET IN AN ATTEMPT TO SUBVERT THE CULTURE THOUGH DIRTY TRICKS LIKE BROKEN WEB LINKS. I frankly hope it is the second, as it can only up my traffic flow. That is why our new motto here at Brain Pan is now: ALL TREACHEROUS GOVERNMENT SPIES WELCOME.

     Now I don't want to piss on Moby. Believe me, there are MILLIONS of people who would LOVE to do it for me. It would just be overkill. I feel however that I should bring you this story early, as there is a possibility that it could get picked up by media forces much, much larger than this one, and that you should be prepared. There are a lot of really bad jokes that can be made about this, (and I know as I have been trying to come up with some examples for the past hour), and if this makes it all the way to the likes of Leno, and you are forced to hear him cackle about it, then you at least be forewarned.
     The story goes like this: Moby has this Tea Shop. While that is funny, that is not the point of the story. It is called Teany (pronounced teeny, like teeny tiny). That is not the point either, though it is also funny. No, you see this is one of those super pretentious Manhattan places that reek of post yuppie scum, and where all the menu items are prohibitively expensive, and everything is vegan and so on and so forth. You get the idea. Clean Bathrooms. Rich Hipsters. Well yesterday around nine New York time, a junkie got stabbed outside Teany and died a short while later. Some kind of argument about garbage or something. While stabbings are seldom funny, a quote brought to my attention about this one is, “This neighborhood is so pretentious the last thing you would expect is somebody running down the street bleeding.”
     Now, this warning is in effect for any anyone within earshot of any late night talk shows, most morning “wacky” style DJ's, and any light hearted entertainment-based web sites. Most of the jokes will be of the “Moby is a vegetarian and a guy got killed out side of his shop” variety, though I am sure the name of the shop, that it is trendy, and Moby's vague sexuality will all be called into question.
     So be careful out there.

     I saw this, considered it, and have decided that if he runs, I will vote for him. Nobody will mess with a President Walken. If you would like to visit the offical campaign web site, you may do so by clicking here: http://www.walken2008.com/