Mike Tyson, showing a truly staggering inability to stop embarrassing himself, will be returning to the ring. I can only assume its for the money.
     I can remember a time, being a child of the eighties, in which Mike Tyson had been PROVEN, scientifically, to be the toughest bad ass on the planet. If any mortal, (a phylum in which I did not consider Tyson a member), was asked during that time the question, ‘Who is the toughest man in the world?’ he or she would inevitably reply, quickly, and in a humble tone, ‘Why Mike Tyson. Everybody knows that.’ And they would have been right. (He knocked a man out in 8 seconds. I mean really.) Comparisons were made to Rocky.

     Then he raped someone, went to jail, and was promptly forgotten.

     The Mike Tyson of now a different man. He is sad and confused, given to rage and monetary problems. No longer does Don King lurk in his shadow. He keeps birds. He got a tattoo on his face. The only Rocky comparisons made about him now, are to Rocky V (and I’m not sure, but I don’t think Rocky ever raped anyone).

    So now, in the face of a fight he will most assuredly lose pathetically, I am forced make this one request:

     Please don’t kick my ass. Mike, I am sorry about calling you pathetic. You may now suck, as a fighter or whatever, and may find yourself out boxed by even the most green and glass jawed of contenders, but I am small, and you could kill me with little more than your thoughts. I LOVE BIRDS. I played punch out, and you kicked my ass there, so I don’t see why reality would go any differently.