I belong to a minority. I am not Black, Jewish, Native American, Hispanic, or Gay. I am not foreign, old, nor am I a woman. I am a normal 25-32 year old white male. That’s not the group I belong to either. I’m not one of those, “white men are oppressed” David Duke/Rush Limbaugh assholes. It’s a real group. I am a Geek.
     My people belong to all of the other groups. We are just as stereotyped, mistreated, and outcast as any of the other groups. But we have no political action committee. No lobbyists. Jesse Jackson will not give any impassioned speeches on our behalf. We have no color in his rainbow. We are on our own.      
     The hate starts early. I had a friend in the second grade named Clayton Green. He was the first geek I knew other than myself. He was always a little strange. He said COW all the time. He would do it in otherwise normal conversation.

“Hey Clayton, how are you?”

“I am fine. I’m a cow. MOOOOOOOO.”

“That’s weird man.”
   
     And they were right. It was weird. Some people thought he was slow. Not me. I saw a kindred spirit. This is the time in school when the cliques begin to form that will determine the path of the rest of your school career. Will you be stacked in the back of a rented limousine like cordwood with six drunken couples, spiking the punch, getting drunk, and then fucking the head cheerleader in the shower of your suite at the Ramada Inn on prom night? Or will you be sitting at home alone watching scrambled porn and whacking it? These rolls are determined during this time.
     People like Clayton don’t get to pick. It was over for him the day he brought a dead skunk to school. Dead Skunk = Manditory geek for life.
     It was over for me right away too. First off, I looked about 3 years younger than all of my classmates. I also displayed no immediate athletic skill. That didn’t help. At one point I tried to convince my peers, that I was, in fact, an alien, sent from the far reaches of the galaxy to observe Mrs Brown’s third grade class. Sometimes things just work out like that.

     Legendary rock club CBGB’s may have to close due to unpaid back rent. It looks like they suffer from the same kind of problems their customers face. If the owners of the rock club that launched the likes of The Ramones and Blondie and Television and countless others can’t resolve this rent thing, they will be shut down by, get this, THE HOMELESS CHARITY THAT OWNS THE BUILDING. You would think a homeless charity would have a little more heart. Guess it’s all business.

Read about it HERE.

     Today Brain Pan is proud to present:

Movies We Don't Need

     I have always liked Get Shorty, and have allways thought it was a good movie. Be Cool will only serve to ruin that.

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF HOURS UNTIL MARTHA STEWART IS FREED FROM HER UNJUST BONDAGE. REJOICE OH THE WORLD. SAY IT WITH ME:

FREE MARTHA!
FREE MARTHA!
FREE MARTHA!

      SOON THE LORDESS OF ALL DOMESTIC QUEEN BEES WILL WALK AMONG US ONCE AGAIN. (Or she will at least walk around the confines of her lush estate wearing one of those monitoring bracelets on her ankle for five months. House arrest for Martha Stewart must be totally different from a regular person's house arrest. While say, Jack Crack Head or Jill Steals-from-her-Mother may get a little fidgety after five months confined in a small one bedroom apartment, Martha will be quite comfortable after having roamed leisurely around her massive mansion, whiling away the hours exploring the many rooms of her home she has probably never even been in.) ONCE AGAIN: FREE MARTHA!

     Do you want proof that we geeks are truly taking over the world by inserting ourselves into every facet of human existence? Then check this out:

Queen Gives Gates Knighthood
    
     It says basically that Queen Elizabeth herself has given Bill Gates, Computer Geek/Software Overlord, an honorary knighthood. HE IS NOT EVEN BRITISH. She said at the, I don’t know, christening or what ever, that she doesn’t even use computers but that: “all the kids do (use computers) and they are very useful … but typing is not as natural for her as it is for young people,”
(I only mention this quote because thinking about the queen using a computer is really, really funny. I bet she would like chat rooms:

QUEEN1: HELLO EVERYONE, I ASSUME YOU ARE ALL BOWING TO ME IN CHASTE REVERENCE.

ASSKILLER: EAT CRAP :-< (gives the finger)

QUEEN1: WELL I NEVER

ASSKILLER: DON'T BE LIKE THAT, MAYBE WE CAN GET DRUNK TOGETHER. ;-> TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.

QUEEN1: WELL I AM 5 FOOT 1, I WEIGH 200 POUNDS, And I AM 78 YEARS OLD. I LOOK A LOT LIKE THE KIND OF LITTLE OLD LADY THAT YOU WOULD GET STUCK BEHIND IN THE GROCERY STORE CHECKOUT LINE AND WHO MIGHT PAY WITH EXACT CHANGE, TAKING EACH COIN OUT OF MY CHANGE PURSE AS SLOWLY AS I CAN POSSIBLY MANAGE. EXCEPT THAT I AM THE FIGUREHEAD RULER OF THE ENGLISH EMPIRE, AND ONE OF THE RICHEST LAND OWNERS IN THE WORLD.

ASSKILLER: SWEET, I WORK AT SPENCER’S AND SELL POT OUT OF MY GARAGE. I ALSO LIKE PIZZA AND LOOK LIKE TOM CRUSE.

QUEEN1: OH MY.

That was fun, back to the article.)

Other Americans have been given the honor including late President Ronald Reagan, former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and General Norman Schwarzkopf. No one that is not a British or a commonwealth citizen can call themselves sir, but I bet Bill will runs around in a suit of armor anyway.

     The Supreme Court, in a shockingly non-medieval move, has decided to do away with the death penalty for minors. This comes as a great relief to progressives everywhere. There were over 70 minors on death row. The only real loser today is Texas, who is still reeling from last years decision to stop executing the mentally handicapped. No joke there, I bet there pissed.

I would post an article about it, but the news is huge, and you have probably heard it allready.