And now, in partnership with acclaimed humor magazine Silly Little Trouser Monkees, (Place your ads for Issue 23 Now!) Brain Pan brings you: A Rambling rant about Commercials. This is the newest in a continuing series of topics covered in a unique cross-blog discussion format.
 So go to the bathroom, grab a cup of joe, and sit back, cause this one's LONG AND BORING.
    

     Commercials suck. They just do. They belong in the things-I-don’t-want-to-deal-with-but-for-whatever-reason-am-forced-to category along with dental appointments, legal communication, and registering for Selective Service, (Which you totally have to do if you are male, over eighteen, and a citizen of the United States. For more information, or to register online, please visit, http://www.sss.gov .
     I realize that commercials are necessary. Any smarmy ad executive or toothy grinned Republican will tell you, all excitedly and at great length, about how commercials pay for all the free programming you receive via TV, and how without out commercials you would have to pay for every channel, HBO style, and anyway what’s wrong with giant corporations trying to make a few honest bucks, what are you some kind of damn communist?!!?!? They don’t mention anything about cable, but whatever, you try to talk to those people.
     The point is I understand all that. What I do not understand is WHY THEY BOTHER. They are wasting their time. Commercials, as a rule, never actually sell me anything. There are three exemptions to this rule:

1. Pizza. If I see a pizza commercial I almost always want pizza. It’s pathological. I think it’s because I always kind of want pizza, and the commercial just reminds me of that fact. I will often see a pizza commercial, get the desire for pizza, then order some from a place totally different from the one that aired said commercial. It just happens.

2. Movies. I like movies, and am always excited to see the new trailers. I don’t count this, but am not sure why. It should probably count, but it just doesn't seem the same as a regular commercial.

3. TV promos. It’s just like movies trailers except that I don’t like TV as much, so it happens less.

     Other than those examples, all commercials can ever hope to accomplish is to manage not to irritate me. Nothing makes me want a cell phone less that seeing a commercial for one. Ipods are cool, but stupid computer generated silhouettes dancing around to bad pop music make me never want to buy one. The less I notice your ad, the better off you are. Darius Rucker in a cowboy hat does not make me want Burger King. It just makes me want to eat at home.
     The reason I don’t buy anything based on commercial advertisement is this: A company will never, ever, tell you if a product sucks, even if they know it does. They will just hire an ad firm to make it seem better than it is. Ad companies make their living making you feel inadequate so that they can sell you worthless crap you don’t need. They will draw on their vast research into the buying habits and demographics of the products intended target market, and then will, based on that demographical and cultural information, craft some clever con that glides over the products shortcomings, and sells the product to you directly.
     I don’t like being manipulated because of what age group I belong to. It’s sneaky and disingenuous. If I need something I WILL KNOW, and I will GO AND BUY IT. Ad companies are the abscessed boil on the neck of humanity, and if you lance them they only become sticky, and more infected. If they were honest, and just focused on whatever the merits of the particular product were, sans all the deceitful crap, it would be better. I don’t like the idea that every time a TV show breaks for commercial I have to try to dodge one charlatan and snake oil salesmen after another, until Arrested Development comes back on. It’s bogus.
     So most of the time I just ignore Commercials, or change the channel, or do whatever I can do to block them out. And I don’t think I’m alone. I believe most people flip around during the commercial breaks, and that thought makes me happy.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON COMMERCIALS AT THE MOVIES.