On my way to work this morning I saw what is maybe the most offensive billboard I have ever seen in my life. It reads simply “HIP HOP WILL ROT YOUR BRAIN”, and then down in a little box at the bottom, it says something like “Coalition for Attentive Parents”. WOW. Really? I am inclined to think that it’s a joke, except that I can’t really identify anything funny about in particular other than how patently ridiculous it is.
     I mean do we really DO this still? I remember after “Dimebag” Darrell got shot a few kooky fringe conservatives, Christian Coalition types mostly, came out with a bunch of “he had it coming because he promoted violent music” crap, but this is whole other thing altogether. First off it’s a little racist. Not wildly so, but enough to throw up a few red flags. Second, it’s REALLY patronizing. What it says basically that if you listen to ANY Hip Hop music, that you are an idiot and a bad person.            
     Now, I don’t listen to Hip Hop music for the most part. It’s not because I think it sucks or lacks any inherent value, or is “crap” as I’ve heard from more than one intimidated white colleague; I don’t listen to it because I don’t under stand it. I have no common frame of reference. I could listen to any hip hop record, and tell you if its good or not, as I don’t have the criteria with which to judge it. I am just totally ignorant about it. But I have a really hard time accepting the proposition that ALL Hip Hop is crappy. I don’t see how an art form that has been around for twenty years cant have at least SOME good elements in it. There are a lot of people I know and respect who Love Hip Hop, and could exalt its virtues all day long. They could tell you what was good or bad, and why, and they would be right probably. But I am sure that some of it is valuable.
     So I am forced to ask myself this question: Why Hip Hop? There is a lot of culture to be had out there, and there is much of it that in high doses might induce a little brain rotting. “The Simple Life” comes to mind. Why pick on Hip Hop? What did Dr Dre ever do to the “Coalition for Attentive Parents”? Could it be that some of these very coalition members ALSO do not fully understand and cannot therefore appreciate whatever it is that Hip Hop has to offer? IS IT POSSIABLE that because of this fundamental misunderstanding, because they DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT, that any time these stuffy meddlesome suburban busy bodies encounter any Hip Hop they can only see it as scary black people generating a culture they can’t relate to and speaking a language they don’t comprehend, therefore making it, in their minds, clearly threatening to the values they shield themselves behind and thus threatening to the youth? Maybe. All I know is that is it is a joke, or if some company put up this billboard to illicit public response and garner attention in some hapless marketing campaign, YOU SURE GOT MY ATTENTION.
     Oh, and a note to “Coalition for Attentive Parents”: If you really what to keep your kids away from all the SCARY POP CULTURE, the very worst thing you can do is to try to censor them from it. Making it forbidden only increases its appeal. So, in an effort to help protect them from themselves, FOR THE CHILDREN, I am posting this message in response:

The Coalition for Attentive Parents Will Rot Your Brain

     AFTER MUCH PAINFULL SOUL SEARCHING, I have decided that, although ALL of the entries were truly funny and all deserving of the top prize, THE WINNER IS…

WHITE TRASH COUPLE.

Because that is funny. Its that Ma and Pa Kettle kind of thing. Just priceless. Congratulations. Head and shoulders above the rest.

Have a good time everybody, see you monday.

     Wow, the field of candidates for this years FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SHOPPERS I’VE SEEN AWARD has indeed been tight. Making the determination has been really tough and while I’m sure that all of these nominees deserve the top shopper prize this year, (The highest honor dispensed by Brain Pan during the holiday season), THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE (to crib from highlander). SO, lets get to the nominees.

1. FAT GUY AND HIS OLD WIFE - This one was great. I saw this really, really,  fat guy at the mall. He and his wife, this lady who had to be like, 200 years old, AND I KNOW THEY WERE MARRIED BECAUSE HE CALLED HER HONEY, were trying to finish up their Christmas shopping. She asked him if he wanted to walk to the Famous Bar to get one of those misting waterfall things. I need to point out that they were like maybe, 50 yards away from the door. He looks at her, breathes a really deep sigh, and says “NAW, that's too far.” Awesome. To fat to shop.
2. CHEAP RICH GUY AT THE DOLLAR STORE - Alright, I can't prove this, but there was this guy at the everything is only a dollar stores in that same mall, carrying one of those little plastic hand baskets. He was walking up and down the isles looking at things, and putting them in the basket. It became clear after a while that he was christmas shopping. Whatever. I mean we aren't all rich. BUT THIS GUY WAS WEARING A REALLY NICE GOLD WATCH A SUIT WORTH LIKE $800.
3. WHITE TRASH COUPLE - Two REALLY hardcore biker looking people, I mean tatoos ALL OVER, were out shopping with their VERY young daughter. The kid was like, two or something, hardly old enough to walk, and was SUPER CUTE. The Mom, an semi-toothless biker chick, was swearing up a storm, trying to get a baby stroller out of the stroller holding area with out having to put in the quarter for the depost. Maybe she didn't know she had to pay, I shouldn't judge. Anyway, the guy, who had a real Almond Brothers/Harley-Davidson thing going, was showing the TINY LITTLE GIRL all of the skull handled knives behind the glass at the body jewlery kiosk. Same mall. Same day.  It was really Normal Rockwell.

      If you would like to vote for YOUR favorite, post it here and I will pick MINE tomorrow.

I saw this thing on VH1 called, “My Coolest Years”. This particular episode was all about the hippie revival of the late 80's early 90's. They were talking about Greatfull Dead shows and how much fun theyt were, (I personaly could never understand The Dead, but whatever), and who should I see reliving her glory days but ANN COULTER. Yea, the Bitch mouthpeice of the right. It gave me a headache and I had to go to bed. WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT PEACE AND LOVE?

     While I know everyone is still very sad, and I mean that with no sarcasm, over the death of “Dimebag” Darrell, I can't help noticing how eager all the asshole fundamentalists are to use this tragedy as a platform for all of their, “Rock is evil” bullshit. Its same old crap since the fifties. If they had their way there would have been no popular music since Elvis. I hate to be the one to tell them, but Jesus hung around with thieves and whores. What kind of music do YOU think thieves and whores listen to? These f%$^&ing people sit around like vultures taking shots at Dime, his fans, and basically any other longhaired person they fear, and do so with no respect or reservations. They ridicule, preach, and use his not even cold body as a soapbox for all of their self-righteous crap, and I don't really think it’s appropriate.
     Now, I don't really like metal, but I also don't think this is quite the time to have so much fun making fun of it either. Darrell Abbott got killed. He was shot in the face right in front of his brother, who was the drummer for both Pantera and Damage Plan. That's not really very funny. People didn't use the death of Jam Master Jay as an excuse to ridicule rap and it's fans, and the same kind of reservation and taste should be used now.
     That's all I really have to say today.

     A Clay Aiken Christmas a joke I made several times, and it's really creepy to see it come true. MAYBE I CAN SEE THE FUTURE. Spooky.

Crappy Stand Up Comedian Joke of the day:

Aren’t Roman numerals just really pretentious numbers? I mean what’s the deal? We aren’t Romans. Why don’t we use them other places?


“What’s you’re social security number?”


“M, M, X, X, X, I, V, V….”


Yea, I know, I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

     Wow this Alan thicke thing is really starting to catch fire. We have approached, and have been approached by, various media outlets, and there is much intrest in the story, which I admit, is compelling. We have not, I don't think, been contacted again by his leagl team, so we are still at a standoff, but this whole thing is set to explode in a way I don't think anyone will be ready for.

     I am still thinking of running for president, but the donations have been slow to start. Also there are problems with my advisory staff, cracks in the Phillips2012 brain trust if you will. Of the three high level advisors on my staff, two have proved unreliable/highly questionable, with one turning out to be small stuffed elephant, and the other being a two dimensional card board cut out of Walter Mondale’s 1984 presidential campaign running mate Geraldine Ferraro. The remaining advisor, a Spanish speaking Culligan Water delivery person, though well grounded, communicates with me chiefly through head nods and cross eyebrow articulations. Pedro the water guy, as he is known around the office, has now taken on the role head advisor for the exploratory committee while Floofy (the elephant), finishes probation and I look to appoint a replacement for Ms Ferraro, who while a fine woman and a patriot, was after all half of the wildly unpopular 1984 Mondale/Ferraro ticket winning only one state, thus unqualified. After this shake up, I believe we will be in a much stronger position as we enter the pre-pre-pre 2012 campaign season. Thank you and God Bless America.

     On Monday of this week I wrote in an article that Silly Little Trouser Monkees, a zine I write for and a zine of the highest moral and journalistic standards, had been served by the legal team representing one Alan Thicke. I felt this was a wild overreaction to a very funny article called Thicke’s Thoughts and, enraged, called on my many loyal readers to institute a boycott of all things Thicke.
     WELL, today, Wednesday December 1, 2004, I looked on Google, as I often do, to see if my many promotional efforts have paid off thus bumping Brain Pan up in the search results. TO MY SURPRISE, I was totally gone from their engine. I HAVE BEEN ALL BUT ERASED FROM GOOGLE.
     I don’t have to be a black helicopter watching conspiracy theorist to know when something FISHY is going on. I believe that Mr. Alan Thicke, WHO HAS BEEN ON TV, has used his many connections in “The Business” to snuff out traffic to my site in an attempt to destroy me. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS. As I prepare to file legal action against Mr. Thicke and take on his organization and its many flagella like arms, I realize that I may be putting my self in harms way. But I feel I owe it to my many fans, and to freedom lovers everywhere, to MAKE A STAND.
     Thank you, and with your support we will together get through this trying time.